Farkle!

'Farkle!" is the fifth track on Logan Whitehurst's debut album, Outsmartin' The Popos, and is the first of many songs about the fictional product "Farkle".

Lyrics
Farkle! Yes friends, if there is one thing everyone can agree on, it's Farkle, and if there are two things everyone can agree on, they're both Farkle. No more tightening rusty bolts by hand, no more annoying wires, say goodbye to costly bleaches and tooth whiteners. Farkle! Facial blemishes can be a thing of the past. Warts, outta here! No more straining your back to put on that extra coat of wax. Just say "I love my Farkle" and win an extra large T-shirt! With Farkle, you're covered for those additional damages. Kids love it, dogs can't tell the difference, and just look at that tomato. Now, listen to some riveting testimony from highly paid spokespeople.

I'm John John the Leprechaun. Top o' the mornin' to ye and your kin. Why, when it comes to Farkle, we leprechauns feel as fresh as an Irish Spring in spring. Och, begorrah, blarney charms, blue hearts, and pink clovers, bonny wee lass, and pot o' gold at McDougall's farm, rainbow, Darby O'Gill, banshee, telephone, luck of the Irish, Loch Ness Monster, drinkin' ale at the pub, and fighting with the bloody British.

Four score and seven years ago, I'm Abraham Lincoln. You may remember me from such terms of office as the 16th presidency, and from such documentaries as the Civil War. I signed the Emancipation Proclamation and was assassinated in the Ford Theatre by John Wilkes Booth. And I love Farkle. I do believe that Farkle will be around long after my face wears off... Of Mount Rushmore that is!

So, remember kids, rush to the store, and join Farkle now! Collect them all! Farkle! There's no catch!

(Some restrictions may apply. See participating in the dictionary for details. Sorry, no checks, no COD's, no money orders, no cash, no pretty rocks, no livestock. Entries must be submitted by November 15th, 1977. Farkle has been known to cause tumors in laboratory workers. No animals were harmed during the making of this commercial. Chances of winning are one in a gazillion. Do not eat Farkle unless you are hungry.)