Ding Dong (Whatever)

"Ding Dong (Whatever)" is the sixteenth track on I Would Be A Biggest Octopus.

"''I had about five little ideas for songs that I couldn't work out, so I stuck 'em all up in there together like a big leftovers meatloaf. Recorded in 1998, released later that year on I Would Be a Biggest Octopus, my second cassette release." - ''Logan Whitehurst

Lyrics
ACT ONE:

Ding dong! Whatever.

ACT TWO:

When you're born you can't move at all Then you learn to crawl (on your hands and knees) Then you learn to walk when you're one Then perhaps you learn to run Then you learn to drive a car You learn that it takes you very far But you learn too late There's no escape Except death

ACT THREE:

I'm the oldest man on earth I'm older than that tree I'm older than my mother And her mother before she I'm older than the doctor Who delivered grandpa's dad I've outlived everyone I've met Since I was just a lad Ol' Moses was my bowlin' partner He bowled pretty well But I'm still alive and kickin' And he's burnin' down in hell My life has been a good one But it's been a bit too long So I think I'll kill myself right now.

ACT FOUR:

I don't like what you just said. It was quite offensive.

ACT FIVE:

The sun is shining in the sky Life is grand and I don't know why The biscuits were good, the toast was divine But just shy of bundt cake is where I draw the line Oh how I love you, you beautiful girl If I loved you more I'd probably hurl Your love is so sweet like blackberry jam Perhaps if I spoke up you'd know who I am

ACT SIX:

I don't think he deserves to go to that place where the good dogs go cause I don't like my neighbor's dog he smells real bad and he went to the bathroom on my front lawn the other day and I kicked him in his head!

I am the president of the ASPCA and I don't like my neighbor's dog cause he wants to sue me now that I kicked him in the head.

My neighbor is a lawyer and he taught his dog to read.

Stupid.

ACT SEVEN:

I love you so much, baby.

Ding dong.